I won't hold anything back
And I won't hold anything in
Feel like I know where this is going
And I know how it ends
But I'm still willing to begin.

--"Most of Me" by Mandy Moore



So the first semester ends. It's been happy. And I miss someone, although I really shouldn't, because in the words of my blockmate Kat, "he's no longer vacant."

Anyway, this must be the end of this account, although I may make a new one. I've been in a rut, since my brain is programmed with laws, the constitution and case readings...which I'll be reading again once in a while.

I learned a lot of things in my new university. I'm still studying Law. I will never give up. I have my reasons for doing so. And another because of what a classmate had said once in our Introduction to Law class.

And that, I must say, was the day I also fell in love with that classmate.

He really is something.

However, I am not here to discuss my lovelorn state. Because apart from that, LIFE IS DEFINITELY PEACHY.

I think I am moving on. I finally accepted that the person I loved for nearly five years isn't going to love me back. And a person who I've shared a mutual passion for isn't thinking of progressing at all. I don't need these large scale productions anymore. I see my friends. I can make plans to have coffee with them. I study hard, and enjoy group review sessions with my blockmates. There are older people who I look up to and talk about things that go round in this world. My biggest lovelife are my friends.

It's pretty simple. If you are my friend, I love you. Really love you.

It's a wild hope. Everything will be all right.

==============

ADDENDUM.

New account is:

~stellarwordsmith

Please add me. Even if it's still empty.

Hehe. I have done something I should have done before.

I have made a li'l sample. Of my signature.

As if you care.

On Friday afternoon, I walked under the rain. I am glad that no one I knew would see me, especially a slim, bespectacled genius who might possibly scold me about the effects of drizzle. Disappointingly enough, no one like the person who fit my description did.

But that's okay. I tell myself that there's nothing as wonderful as walking under the softly falling rain with no umbrella to protect me. But I don't like walking under a downpour, mind!

Finally, my professor has let go of Tolentino vs. Secretary of Finance. But I'll still read it. It's pretty interesting, even if it's fucking long.

Oops. Excuse my Latin.

Constitutional Law is making me somewhat nervous.

Here I am, eating mashed potatoes and drinking Coca-Cola for dinner. Isn't that healthy?

No, it isn't.

I don't have inspiration left. I know I had too many issues for the past five years of my life; they need to be thrown away, because I could do away without them. I know I could create an imaginary lover, who gives me cheap red wine, thorny roses and stale chocolates. I want him to look like James McAvoy because he's my current crush.


I read mushy romance novels. I am happy for people who are happy in their relationships. Sometimes I feel a twinge of envy, then, an encompassing feeling of cynicism. Like yeah, it can be magic for others, but not for me. There are times when I feel like telling people that all I want is a casual tumble; just a two-hour roll in the hay. But that's not true either.


Underneath it all, I long for something more substantial. I still want something that is done right, in the Biblical sense or no. I believe there is something still pure in no-sex-until-marriage. I don't want to be just a career girl.

Let me tell you this. After five or six years, I don't want to go home to an elegantly decorated apartment. Which is also empty.

No way. I'd prefer a messy one with all signs of life and joy in it.